I am Selfish.

Two years ago I realized that I was depressed. I had been depressed for 4 years! In those four years I managed to gain a lot of weight, isolate people, and basically be a miserable person to be around. I don’t even know how my husband put up with me honestly. I was so negative and cynical about everything, and I complained all the time. All I wanted to do was eat greasy food, drink a lot of wine and beer on the weekend, and sleep. I loved my family and I seemed to be satisfied in that area of my life, but there was other aspects of my life that I was not content with.

I know that a lot of people deal with depression and anxiety, so I want to share how I am combating those dark feelings that can take over my life sometimes. The first thing that I changed was lying to myself. I had to be honest, about the fact that I fell out of love with myself, I had a drinking problem, and that I was unhappy. That truth sent me on a journey toward self discovery. I was studying buddhism for bit, then I came across the conscious black community, then I came across metaphysics, theology, astrology, and spirituality.  NOTE: I love seeing people on their spiritual journey, and I feel like when a lot of black people take the trip, they stop at the conscious community part. I want to say that there is more out there, just keep seeking because you will learn that there is more to it than “popping melanin”.

Spirituality taught me that I have way more control over this life thing than I thought, and it’s all about what I chose to focus on. If I kept telling the story of the broken family I came from, or the abuse that I faced, then I would stay in a place where I didn’t want to be. I decided to change my focus and the things I put into my mind and body. My usual media diet was full of love and hip hop, news and politics, celebrity gossip etc. I cut all that out and replaced it with reading, journaling, blogging, lectures, and interviews. I started to eat more fruits veggies, and less fried fatty foods. I even took up hiking and being out in nature. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I ended all relationships that were full of gossiping, negativity, and lack. I decided that if I had been programing myself with garbage this whole time, I can do the same but with things of substance, positivity, and happiness.

A lot of people put me down for this, saying things like “how can you ignore all the things wrong in the world” or “you are selfish.” It isn’t that I choose to ignore the wrongs, I just don’t focus on those things. Yes I am selfish, I choose me, I choose life, I choose abundance, I choose health and I choose love. Anyone that cannot respect that in my life, does not deserve my time or a relationship.

Again, this is my story, and what I did to lift myself up. I am not saying that it will be the same for everyone, but I do believe that when you are feeling down about life, a major life change could really help! What are somethings that you do to pull yourself out of a funk? Have you started your spiritual journey? I would love you hear your stories, so comment them down below!








3 thoughts on “I am Selfish.

  1. I am so with you on all these things. I have had some really depressing moments especially in the past few years of my life. I was constantly focused on all the things that were going wrong and it is not until I took my eyes of the wrong and began trusting that God was going to work things out that my Spirits were lifted and I am now in a better place. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes definitely getting a spiritual center helps cure that depression! It’s funny to say that we have to learn to be kind to ourselves but it’s true! But I believe God takes you through those dark moments just so you can shine in the end! Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

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